Warning: this is a grotesquely long post about my day at an amusement park.
The guys working on the new tile floor were probably a little startled when they came into Wally’s bedroom and saw two dudes in wife beaters sleeping in the same bed. I woke up, played with Rocky the black dog, ate breakfast, and told Jason over the phone that we were calling off the Medieval Times trip since it would cut our trip to Six Flags real short. So he angry-drove up from San Diego to Murrieta.
But the frown turned upside down and we were off. Jason drove separately because we’d be leaving straight for Vegas that night and Wally couldn’t get the day off. To ease his loneliness, and since the future is now, we put him on speakerphone. Not much of a conversation took place. Mostly we just took turns yelling into our phones and hoping the other person heard it. We were talking, but not really responding to each other. Finally we made it through the gates in Valencia, where the adrenaline doesn’t stop.
It just waits in line. As the desert sun beats upon your face. From here on out, it’s basically a Six Flags: Magic Mountain ride-review.
Viper
This was our first ride. Pretty good start. Standard roller coaster. One of the first things I notice is that the amount of fun and as excitement showing on people’s faces after a ride is equal to the apathy on the faces of employees.
Dive Devil
The highlight of the day. The night before, Wally was rambling on and on about how we should do it. And I was saying “Yeah man!” it’d be bodacious and things like that. But I remembered the terror that I got looking at one of those skycoasters at Wild Waves. I’m not gonna say I was hoping for, but I wouldn’t have been too upset if Jason refused adamantly and we didn’t go on it.
From what I remember, he didn’t say no or yes, mostly ‘whaaaat’? Which Wally took for a yes, so we paid our extra $15 and got strapped up. While getting cinched up fifteen stories, I started to realize that we entrusted our lives to teenagers who really didn’t care that much and hardly double-checked our harnesses. It adds to the excitement I guess. As far as I could tell (though I’m sure it was a lot better than it seemed), we were one broken carabeener away from going out in glorious manner. I pictured the time the carabeener on my keychain snapped the wrong way for no real reason other than that I used it.
Anyway, one of the riders is responsible for pulling the rip cord that sends you flying. Wally took care of that. Three. Two. One.
Right after the rip cord is pulled, you free fall about twenty feet before the cable is taut and you start swinging. It’s terrifying. Truly. The thing about riding this early is is that it pushed the rest of the rides in the park down a notch.
X2, take one
Went to the line, figured it’d be over an hour wait, and it’s primetime right now so it’s got to be shorter later, then left the line.
Ninja
Your legs are suspended. Wallys says it simulates being a ninja running and jumping through the forest. It’s OK.
Superman: The Escape
Lowest line-to-fun ratio in the park. The lines are probably long due to it being the marquee attraction a decade ago. It’s a short ride. You go up and come back down. It’s still one of the tallest rides in the world, but you don’t really notice how high you are since you’re looking straight up.
However, the line is inside an air-conditioned tunnel, which is basically an attraction in itself. I saw this girl eating one of those giant, individually-wrapped pickles and I was wondering what it tastes like. Then she sort of nudged the cucmber to the side and, to my horror, started drinking the pickle juice. I noticed two kids in front of me watching with no-don’t-do-it-oh-god-she’s-drinking-it looks on their faces. Though many notches below, it was in the same light of Malarchuk getting his throat slit by a skate and spectators having heart attacks.
Tatsu
The majority of the line is under a canvas top equipped with misters. Whenever Wally or Jason would point out a mister, I would say something like “Mr. who? Mr. Rogers?” and laugh by myself. Looking back, I GUESS I can see why they didn’t join in on the laugh riot. Anyway, a mister sounds kind of good in the heat. But it really was exactly the opposite. The water wasn’t cold, so it was like being sprayed with sweat for half an hour. On top of actual sweat.
Near the front of the line, there’s a checkpoint to make sure you aren’t carrying bags or other loose articles, since they don’t have lockers for this ride. We were OK, but I felt bad for the people with camera bags or purses, because they had been through thirty minutes of sweat-mist already. And there are employees sitting at the line entrance—they really can’t warn you right at the beginning?
As for the ride itself, it’s the newest one in the park (counting X2 as a renovation and not completely new), and it shows. It seems like one of the hanging coasters, but your feet are also strapped, then the seats rotate back, pulling your legs up into traditional flying position. In line, Jason and Wally seemed genuinely nervous about “one part”. I was next to Jason on the ride and we’re approaching something and I hear, “Oh. No… no.” And all of a sudden we were upside down on what seemed like the wrong side of the loop. It’s a fun time.
Break time. At this point, we decided to grab a snack. Frozen lemonade (not exactly low-carb) and a turkey leg to split between us. Both were really good. To be honest, I didn’t have high hopes for the turkey leg. Based on my experience with Thanksgiving birds, the drumsticks are fun to pretend you’re some kind of king, but they end up like leather. This turkey leg was deep fried, juicy, and tasted almost like pork. And the girl at the lemonade stand hooked it up with refills. Overall, a more enjoyable snack break than expected.
X2, take two
We decided it’s night time so let’s go to X2. My genius idea about the line being shorter at night was about to come to fruition and I could rub it in Jason and Wally’s faces. But I was wrong of course. We sort of decided now or never so we stood in line for forty-minutes. Then it just stopped moving altogether. Then people were moving in the wrong direction. But some people stayed. Then there was an announcement that most people couldn’t hear. Then more people were moving in the wrong direction. Ride is undergoing maintenance. Then we decided to cut our losses and we left the line.
Then Jason took part in a DDR showcase. Here’s the video. Unfortunately, I didn’t record the entrances with the first grader emerging from the back followed by Jason the 22-year-old sailor. Truly a landmark moment in my life.
[INSERT VIDEO HERE: still need to upload this.]
Goliath
It’s fast and the initial drop is 255-feet. The drop is my favorite part of a roller coaster, so looking back this is the one I’d most want to ride again. We got the back two carts so we got to experience the entirety of the drop. Jason’s ribs apparently exploded at the end and he looked like he was going to collapse when we were getting off of the ride.
Batman
On our way to the ride, Jason and Wally acted like we were going to Batman as an obligation to ride everything that was open. They said things like, “Oh, it’s just OK I guess.” I loved it. It probably helped that we rode at night. But it really just felt like you were in the Batwing, which I think is what they were going for. Your legs are suspended and it seemed really, really fast.
Riddler’s Revenge
It was my first time on a standing coaster. It’s relatively long. There’s a good sike spot where the cart feels like it’s coming to a complete stop. There’s also a good corkscrew where, since you’re standing, it feels like you’re doing a flash kick (except sideways).
Carnival game: three-point contest
I tied my score from Knott’s Berry Farm last year: one. I don’t want to talk about it.
X2, take three
At this point we had a choice. Ride Goliath, Batman, and Riddler’s Revenge again. Or try our luck with X2. I’ll be honest, I was more for re-riding the three without lines. But the reasoning we came up with was risk and reward. Risk: Sacrifice three really good rides to possibly end the night waiting and X2 closing on us. Reward: X2 might be AWESOME (it’s the only one Wally and Jason hadn’t ridden before).
We lucked out. The line was close to the same length, but they only cut off the line at closing time, not the ride—if you were in line before closing, you were going to ride. And it was awesome. The whole day I had heard about how the carts spin while you ride, but I was picturing the teacup ride. They spin the other way, like a rolling cage.
It seems like they couldn’t come up with a theme, so they just accepted every idea. In the line, they show Break.com videos of the Scarred type. They also have the same three bad metal and hip-hop songs on repeat. And they have a banner that says something like, “Welcome to X2, you are now a gladiator in the coliseum of thrill.” Then on the slow ride uphill, the speakers in the seat headrests blast Cosmic Bowling music (Enter Sandman and Kashmir) and war sound effects (“Medic!”). Then they even have a giant blow torch shooting flames in your direction while you’re upside down. It’s nuts.
End of the night
We ate dinner at Dennys, then said our goodbyes. Wally had a day of work to look forward to. We had a five-hour drive where I needed to sleep so I could take over driving but I wouldn’t shut up and I kept telling stories until Jason was exhausted and the problem was that I was exhausted also so I let down my BFF and probably broke a bunch of man laws. But after that, we had glorious Las Vegas and all of its endless possibilities to look forward to. I guess it wasn’t essential to mention Wally had work except to rub it in more as if he wasn’t sad back then. But tonight him and Jason did some stupid thing and sent me identical text messages and kept responding with identical text messages and it took me forever to realize they were together so I feel little remorse.