I’m starting to write this a few weeks before but I plan to post this on my birthday. I’m going to take you on a quarter-century retrospective with some memories from each year of my life. It’s text heavy and there are very few pictures. I’d say “bear with me”, but that sort of promises that it’ll be worth it in the end. I can’t make that promise.
1986
I’m born into the world. In Oakland. Which is something I’m proud of even though I basically don’t remember life until we move to Japan. But there are some spotty memories, which I’ll throw into the next few years.
1987
My mom tells me I was an obese toddler and the doctor told her to put me on skim milk.
1988
One of my aunties has a favorite story about me. Our family was on a road trip and all of us were in a Toyota Van (known as the Toyota MasterAce in Japan, which is fantastic). I pooed myself. I was embarrassed but didn’t want anyone to acknowledge what I did, so I cried when they suggested changing me and I cried when they suggested opening a window and I cried when they suggested anything else to improve the situation.
Lotta haters in the 80s, bro.
1989
At my birthday party I ran up to my room alone to open one particular present. It was a Play-Doh Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle kit. At first I was ecstatic but became mildly disappointed because they came out as generic all-green turtles without liliputian tubs of other colors to make headbands and not mix up Raph and Leo.
1990
I played a lot of Double Dragon II with my brother and some of his friends. Meaning I held on to a controller that wasn’t plugged in and thought I played a lot of Double Dragon II with my brother and some of his friends.
1991
We moved to Misawa Air Base, Japan this year. After finding out someone else had reserved WWF Most Amazing Matches: Bret Hart, I was consoled when my dad checked on the status of the American Video coloring contest and found out that I won my age bracket. The prize was a VHS copy of Barney: Live in Concert.
Me and my brother decided to watch it once and only once to mock it since we were too cool for school. This is one of my earliest memories hanging out with kuya Dan-Dan.
1992
Gohan finally turns Super Saiyan. This inspired me to head to the bathroom to give it a go myself (needed the mirror to see if I was going blonde). I clenched my fists and yelled at the top of my lungs while thinking of all the tragedies in my life. As a six-year-old, there wasn’t much to work with.
Sometime this year, I stuck 20 yen into the machine and a double shiny came out. Goku and Gohan are kind of just stuntin’ on the top. Then you peel the top and they’re doing work underneath. Up to this point, by leaps and bounds this was the happiest moment of my life.
1993
I was biking to the park one day and saw a bunch of kids digging a hole in the sandbox. Some of the kids were a little older. They were looking for someone to stick their leg in the hole so they could bury it. Sign me up! After burying me, all the kids dispersed. I didn’t freak out or anything, I just wondered who was gonna get me out.
A kid even older than any of the others (think: young Encino Man) came by and asked if he could borrow my bike. He just had to go to the post office real quick then he’d come back and he had a cool gold coin with Goku’s face on it that he’d give me. Sure!
As he biked away, I realized I should also have probably asked him for help out of the sand. After that, I did what any first grader would do when stuck crotch deep in sand. I urinated all over myself.
1994
This year, I was convinced that I met the love of my life. One day I get a knock at the door and it’s her and her mom. My plans for the day don’t change at all and she watches me play Mega Man X while our moms gossip. I don’t say another word to her for two years.
1995
I didn’t receive Clay Fighter 2: Judgment Clay for Christmas this year. Santa did your boy wrong.
1996
My best friend in the entire world moves to the states. He sends letters talking about having more than five channels in english and how Gargoyles and Home Improvement are so great. Mr. LaMaar has to call my mom and let her know that her son has been aloof in class lately. But, as always, love triumphs and we live no more than 20 miles apart from then until now except for like three years total.
1997
I started hanging out a lot with the PE teacher’s son. This was a great time because we were allowed to come into the gym after school and get tons of time on that day’s activities, like free reign during trampoline days. One day him and another friend ask if I want to see something cool. (Has anyone said “no” to that question?) Spoiler: it’s a skin magazine.
The more memorable part is how we got to the hiding spot: we hiked into the bamboo forest, tightroped a log to cross a stream, then dug about a foot of dirt up to pull it out. This might surprise you but his mom never caught him looking at it.
My dad retires from the Navy and we move to Oak Harbor, Washington.
1998
We run the mile in PE one day. At some point I start to think, “This is kind of tough!” and walk the rest of the way. Some kids qualify for the President’s award. I qualify for the Fitness Club. It’s karma for getting extra time with the trampolines earlier in life. Instead of getting to join in on the days’ activities with the rest of class, the Fitness Club runs the mile every day. It doesn’t take the other genius middle schoolers long to figure out that Fitness Club is one letter away from Fatness Club.
1999
This year, I was convinced that I met the love of my life. And I have my first girlfriend! Unfortunately, they’re not the same girl. We talk on ICQ a lot and meet at her locker after school to talk for maybe 5 minutes. This goes on for the entire school year. We both want more out of the relationship so we break up in the summer. Or something.
2000
I spend the summer hanging out with my brother’s friends in the Labstation, which is a section of my garage where we put up bedsheets to make a small room. It’s a glorified clubhouse. We mess around with cheap turntables, watch movies, and play Goldeneye. We also wonder how my mom hasn’t gone broke because she’s always buying fried chicken or cookies or cake for us. There’s a lot of, “Auntie, again? You shouldn’t have!”
We signed a friend to our record label. I write a contract and we make him audition then sign the contract after. This is on a Super8 tape probably in that warehouse at the end of Indiana Jones.
2001
My brother owed me $100 because of an NFL 2K1 bet, but we had a disagreement on whether he was paying me in increments or with his next paycheck. We decided to play double or nothing. Same teams: Tampa Bay vs Tennessee. With me running up the scoreboard and Eddie George running into my line and falling over, my brother quit in the 4th quarter then informed me that it was a practice game. A few seconds of angry menu navigating passed and we were playing the real game. He could’ve used a few more of those “practice” games; I shut him out. After he launched the controller at a wall (I hope my VMU’s not broke!), I explained that I expected the money and reminded him that it was his night to do the dishes and lucky for him there’s a sink full of them.
This is when he began to pummel me. During one of his breathers, I managed to escape, told him I was running away, and sprinted out of the house. Except it was winter and I was wearing an undershirt and basketball shorts, both really thin. I went back inside and slept after doing the dishes.
2002
3:00PM – I should do my homework then I’ll be free later.
3:02PM – Well, just one round of Counter-Strike.
3:05PM – Oh hey more people are coming on…
2:37AM -________________-
2003
I get my first job: Subway. I specialize in abstract sandwich art. A couple months in, they hire a guy whose parents manage the McDonald’s that shares the parking lot. He’s got fast-food experience and we didn’t need extra artists. The writing’s on the wall. He’s the human death rattle for my fast food career. I quit before they fire me. For my UW application I write about how I want to do what I love instead of making sandwiches. A friend tells me it’s not a great idea to talk about how I couldn’t handle Subway and was a quitter. UW accepts me anyway.
2004
One day some friends decide to take on the sumo burger challenge at Frank’s. We eat a few pounds of food then got in fetal position in various places around my house. Then we made this short film, Neighborhood Ninjas II. (Fast forward to 1:45 for basically the greatest 20 seconds of anything I’ve ever made.)
2005
I’m convinced that I met the love of my life this year. I get a lot of bad haircuts, but I got a really bad one this year that my friends ended up calling The Dolph. I wear a hat all week and one friend knows why because he was at the barber shop with me for that haircut. We’re talking to a couple of girls we know and one asks why I’m wearing a hat. I tell them I got a bad haircut. One says just let us see, it can’t be that bad. She’s probably right, it can’t be that bad! I pull my hat off. They laugh for approximately 17 minutes straight, pause for one of them to say I look like Young Frankenstein, then continue laughing probably to this day.
2006
I move into an apartment with my brother. One day he says he’s gonna head out and grab an iPod dock real quick for the living room. A few hours later I come out to see cardboard everywhere and him wiring up a receiver to handle his new surround sound system. That was life living with kuya.
2007
One night a friend and I decide to pull consecutive all nighters. The first night goes as planned—meaning we doodled a lot and looked at crazy things on the internet together. The second night, we get to the library around 8pm and start reviewing notes. At around 9:30pm I realize I’ve just been staring at my pen touching my note sheets but I’m not really writing or reading anything. And I haven’t been. I glance up and see my friend doing the same thing. I’m tired, bro. You? Let’s get McWraps and then crash? Yep.
2008
This year, I was convinced that I met the love of my life. I lived in San Jose for six months for an IBM internship. One weekend two friends visit and we go to play pool one night. One of my friends hits the eight ball in and I jokingly say we didn’t see him call the pocket. We don’t talk for the rest of the night. This night has always gotten funnier to me as time passes.
2009
This is the year that my classmate told me he was applying to grad school at MIT and then asked me if MIT was private or public. I look it up on Wikipedia and it says it’s private, so I tell him as much. He says, “Wow you’re one of those people that believes Wikipedia? It’s probably public then.” and walks out of the computer lab. I’ve learned a lot of things in 25 years. Forgiving this idiot isn’t one of them.
Also, I play a LOT of Modern Warfare 2 with my friends. One night, we win 17 straight matches and wonder whether to be happy about winning or sad that life won’t get better than that night.
2010
I move to San Diego and try to come back to Seattle three weeks in so I can be home for Thanksgiving. Since my first paycheck hasn’t quite come in, I try to see if my parents will split for the airfare. Of course they want to see their son come home. I tell my mom that I’ve never had a Thanksgiving without them. Her response, “There’s a first time for everything!”
2011
I freak out, have a quarter-century crisis, then decide to write a blog post recapping some memories of my life year by year.
And I’m still waiting on that kid to give me my bike back. Can’t wait for that gold Goku coin though.